Edge of Life

Photo:Kira Perov

There is a Persian restaurant on the ground floor of the building where I live, which has been running ever since I came to this place. The father was running the business, had a good looking wife and two children. The young boy was real handsome and never wasted any opportunity to put the gift to use. He had his BMW coupe always parked at the front of the restaurant. The prettiest looking girls in the area could be seen in that car.  I had witnessed many pretty girls hanging on to his shoulders and smooching him in the lift and had often wondered what I was doing at that age, burning the night candles and roaming around the medical wards carrying the feces and urine of patients.

The father died five years back due to a heart attack. The son had to take over the business and had to spend part of his precious time to take care of the restaurant, which otherwise would have been lavished on the lovely girls. I would say, he was a nice boy, was always cheerful and polite when ever I had the reason to interact with him. After I changed the job, I had seen less of him, and recently I saw his car parked behind the building with a” for sale” board. I asked the watchman why he was selling the car and he was surprised.

“Doctor, didn’t you really know that the boy died last month?”

That was too unexpected.

“Tell me more, “I said.

It appeared that the boy had a cancer in the abdomen which was already late when diagnosed, underwent a resection of his stomach and intestine, had a feeding tube and a catheter for the rest of his remaining few months. Malik , our watchman told me that the boy would still smile at him and explain all the details of his illness. He was planning to go to Europe for another surgery when he died.

I honestly never gave dying too much thought. Death was almost a regular event I had witnessed in the ICU. Some patients would be brought in and would be dead even before they had the time to think about it. I honestly do not know what happens to them after they are intubated and placed on a support system. Others would know they don’t have much time. Men and women would uniformly cry out the same slogan..” moath..moath”  ( death..death.) as if they were seeing it approaching them. And on most occasions, they were right. They had seen something….whatever had taken their lives.

Each phase of dying is different than the next, but all with the same outcome; all from different perspectives. 

All emotions can be broken down to Fear or Love.

It certainly gives me much to think about and contemplate.  What would I want to say to my family and friends; what would I need them to know before I left?  Would I be afraid?  Would my belief be strong enough to see me through the final moments of my last breaths without fear?  All of which are really great questions.  And, if you think about it …so many people get taken away from this earth without the luxury of time and contemplation of these ever so important things.

I wish all people had the opportunity to pack up their bags, as if they were leaving for the airport. Do the final checking...all documents...all papers...money...handover the house to those who are not on the trip ..Giving tips to the servants...All done in time.

The saying ‘living each day like it’s your last’ has a lot more meaning to me these days.  The small space which used to occupy my mind with loss and regrets has no place there anymore.  Should you ever need a reminder of how great a life you have, do yourself a favor and visit a Palliative health facility filled with those  with no purpose left to them, other than counting days or go down to the Regional Cancer Centre and wander the corridors of the Pediatric ward, looking at the faces of parents so distraught and exhausted and the kids so sick and desperate for a day without the reality they face. 

Most of us spend the best years of life living for others. We all have reasons. Getting married...and then living for her interests than yours. Bringing up children and working hard to seeing them through school and college...even to see them getting married and spend the entire life’s balance for that sake. Make their lives easier.

Some people are just meant to live for others. There's nothing wrong with it. After 50 years of doing so, you can't just all of a sudden think solely about you.

I just remembered a very powerful sentence in a wonderful book, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day," by Katrina Kenison. She said, “As soon as I stop wishing for things to be different, I am met by the beauty of what is.”

So isn’t it true that we spend much time  wishing for things to be different? 

How hard it is to stop wishing for things to be different? What if we were able to say, “This is what I have to deal with right now? This is what is happening. Let me stay right here and pay attention. It’s OK if I feel angry, embarrassed, impatient, bewildered, disappointed, and afraid." Imagine just staying in that feeling and taking responsibility for it.

We want to retaliate, blame, find an answer, sweep the moment away and forget. “The beauty of what is” might not actually be beautiful, but when I can stay with what is and accept it, something beautiful happens.

Truly, the art of dying teaches us the art of living.  And if we were to spend some time in the reality that  we will all one day leave this planet; either slowly with time to prepare or quickly without that luxury, the truth is we would be much better people.  We would live as we were meant to …caring about the important things like love, compassion and happiness.  We would prepare, we would communicate and we would die with a lot less regret and those left behind us, would be better equipped to let us go.

Jim Emerson blog

Looking Glass

On Bronnie Ware’s blog, Inspiration and Chai, the post titled “Regrets of the Dying “ would be one of the most popular. This is a reflective piece inspired by her time working in palliative care, where she nursed thousands of patients who were in the last few weeks of their lives. It was interesting and perhaps touching how the dying had looked at their own lives and revealed their regrets. I don’t know, given another chance, if life would have been any better for them.


From time to time, when someone asks me if I have had any regrets, it has prompted me to think long and hard. My answer is clearly given at the top of my blog. Life had always been a list of unfulfilled dreams. And it was hard to choose from among them , that’s all. But then, it was also good to have lived than not living and trying at all. After reading Bronnie’s list below, I found how similar we human beings are, under the camouflage of big and small ,rich and poor, and that I really have few things to work on if I want my answer to change before my time is up.
Here we have an opportunity to look at our own lives from a different point of view. This reminds us that only we can be responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness in the long run. Life is as simple as what we make of it. And also as complicated when we sit down at the end of the road and look back and realize how little we have done of what we had always wanted.


I don’t know how many of you would have come across this inspirational article. The link was sent to me by a friend of mine. Globally, this article has been translated into several languages and seems to have broken cultural barriers with incredible ease. It is the simplicity and honesty of the article that has made it resonate with people. Looking back, it makes me realize just how alike we all are and how, sadly, we can all be influenced and driven by the wrong priorities and by fear.


" When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying "



If we sit back and look at life, most of us would regret the things we did than the things we didn’t do. Studies have proven that regrets of inaction persist much longer than regrets of action. There is little you can do for the missed opportunities of the past. Use the slightly unsettling feeling of regret to motivate yourself to do something about it. Tackle something important on your "to do before I die" list and if you don't have such a list then make one. No one lives a perfect life and no one accomplishes everything that they set out to do. Some people however are in constant motion so that instead of reflecting on missed opportunities of the past they are working towards new accomplishments in the present. Don't be afraid to take a chance. As you read above, people generally feel worse for not trying than for trying and failing.

Life is too short. Trust me it is. Sometimes, there is no tomorrow, or a “next time”. So don’t do something that would make you regret life.

"So...If you could live your life all over again, what's the one thing you would do differently?"

Life is a choice. It is your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Why such brief candles?

I was watching the movie “ The Tree of Life” the other day. Honestly, I couldn’t connect all the pieces together the first time I saw the movie. It can mean completely different things for completely different kinds of people. The Tree of Life is about everything. About life, nostalgia, love, loss, hatred, anger, nature, grace, forgiveness, redemption, and everything else that could be there in life. The scenes are incredibly beautiful, as perfect as they could be and looks out of this world. The Tree of Life is a series of fragmented memories of a young man named Jack (Sean Penn) who reminisces his childhood memories as a young boy , and the polar relationships between his graceful, loving mother (Jessica Chastain), and his strict, disciplinary, and sometimes angry father (Brad Pitt). It is a simple family entwined in love,the kind we see in everyday life.

And,somewhere in the middle of the movie, there was this scene when the Brian family attends the church on a Sunday morning and listens to a sermon.It really struck me as I listened to it again and again. It haunted me.

The Book of Job explores the myth that we inhabit a world in which people who live virtuously inevitably receive blessing, while those who do evil, always suffer a painful fate. The story of the tragedies that fell upon virtuous Job, demonstrates that there is nothing in life that can protect us from the possibility of pain.The story of Job is quoted often when one gets angry at God and when misfortunes befall.


“Job imagined he might build his nest on high – that the integrity of his behavior would protect him against misfortune. And his friends thought, mistakenly, that the Lord could only have punished him because secretly he’d done something wrong.

But, no, misfortune befalls the good as well. We can’t protect ourselves against it. We can’t protect our children. We can’t say to ourselves, even if I’m not happy, I’m going to make sure they are.

We vanish as a cloud. We wither as the autumn grass, and like a tree are rooted up.
Is there some fraud in the scheme of the universe? Is there nothing which is deathless? Nothing which does not pass away?

We cannot stay where we are. We must journey forth.

We must find that which is greater than fortune or fate. Nothing can bring us peace but that.

Is the body of the wise man, or the just, exempt from any pain? From any disquietude, from the deformity that might blight its beauty, from the weakness that might destroy its health?

Do you trust in God?

Job, too, was close to the Lord. Are your friends and children your security? There is no hiding place in all the world where trouble may not find you. No on knows when sorrow might visit his house, any more than Job did.
The very moment everything was taken away from Job, he knew it was the Lord who’d taken it away. He turned from the passing shows of time. He sought that which is eternal.

Does he alone see God’s hand who sees that He gives, or does not also the one see God’s hand who sees that He takes away? Does he alone see God who sees God turn His face towards him? Does not also he see God who sees God turn his back?"


The sermon is a profound piece of theology, a beautiful piece of poetry, and a deep well of spiritual wisdom and insight.

“Is there nothing which is deathless? Nothing which does not pass away?”

“The Tree of Life” also offers an answer in the voice of Mrs. O’Brien when she declares, “Unless you love, your life will flash by… Do good, wonder, hope.”

There are only two routes through life: “the way of nature and the way of grace.” Grace is abundant in the story’s mother figure, the pious and loving Mrs. O’Brian and a sufferer of the most awful of all tragedies – the death of a child, her middle son in his late teens. How he died we never learn, but the rest of the film can be seen as a reaction to his cruelly shortened life and to the question it inevitably poses.....Why? Why such a brief candle?

At the boy's funeral, a pastor tells Mrs. O'Brien "He's in God's hands now" and she replies with something like... "He should be in my hands." I could not think of a better answer than hers. Perhaps that answer is the one which shook me up.Whenever I hear of the death of a young child, I am reminded of my own personal loss. Why? Why such a brief candle?

A lingering fragrance

Two years of sadness and painful memories. Along with that , the lingering fragrance of the sweetness she was. A short time where she filled our lives with a gentleness and warmth that touched all lives around her. Who are we to decipher the intricacies and madness of nature? If everything went on according to rules, probably life would have lost all its charm. Still, the pain it inflicts on those left behind is fathomless.

Everything good in this world reminds me of her. She was all the goodness wrapped in a gift wrap, and got stolen.

It is two years since Sheri has left us. It feels like yesterday, because her presence is so strong and the memories so gripping. It is painful to write, so I just put together some thoughts.

Death is the ultimate reality after birth, an experience that touches all members of the human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there is both commonality and individuality in the grief experience. When a loved one dies, each person reacts differently. A child's death, however, is such a wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are painfully shaken for the rest of their lives...

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! (Neugeboren 1976,


Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature and outlive them. Ultimately, parents expect to die with the care and comfort of their children...This would be the natural course of life events, if the life cycle continued as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. ( Arnold and Gemma 1994)

Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart... [that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989).

Nothing can change the fact that this child is considered a part of the family forever, and the void in the family constellation created by the child's death also remains forever.


Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent's being...The range of expression of parental grief is wide. Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems to defy description... Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its core...Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality binds sufferers together. (Arnold and Gemma 1991)



The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude. ( Washington Irving, The Sketch Book ,)



• Parental grief is overwhelming; there is nothing that can prepare a parent for its enormity or devastation; parental grief never ends but only changes in intensity and manner of expression; parental grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit.

• For parents, the death of a child means coming to terms with untold emptiness and deep emotional hurt. Immediately after the death, some parents may even find it impossible to express grief at all as many experience a period of shock and numbness.


But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. But I seriously doubt any length of time will heal the wounds. This is a constant pain you don’t want to get away with. That pain reminds me of the best part of my life I shared with a sweet ,innocent child.

I love to nurture this wound, lest I lose the sweetest of my memories.

A tomorrow that never was

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”(Oscar Wilde)


Last week, two farmers committed suicide in my place. They had struggled all their lives to make a living, but instead, accumulated only debts and decided to end their lives . Their families will continue the same struggle for the rest of their lives too. I have often wondered at the way life goes. Some people live comfortable lives not by virtue of their efforts, but by a matter of sheer luck. Others toil their whole lives making ends meet. But those ends never meet. If you are poor, life is difficult. No one will even lend you money. For those who have, there is no need to ask. It is all the more difficult if you are poor and sick. Then there are others who have money, but forget to live.

I was not going to write about poverty and money matters. It was Chackochan’s death that prompted me to write this.

I had known him from the time I joined the hospital. He was well known at the place as a businessman by that time. His was a rag to riches story. He had come to Khorfakkan as an ordinary laborer and built up a business all on his own, which grew in to a big money making business. He had been living in a cheap dilapidated villa and still sent his wife for a very low income job. He was said to have a palatial bungalow in his home town and many buildings at prime locations which he had leased off. But he lived frugally his all life in that dilapidated rented house; his wife still went to her work place by taxi.

Once when this lady came to me as a patient, I asked her.

“Why do you have to go for work now at this age, you are sick”
“There are lots of expenses, doctor, children are studying, and no money” This lady didn’t have money to buy the medicines I had prescribed and I had to send her away with some sample medicines.
Their house in their home town had a swimming pool and was fully air conditioned. But neither of them ever lived in that house. They never enjoyed the swimming pool because they didn’t know how to swim .All the while, they toiled and lived miserly in that slum like place.

And finally, last week, he made an unceremonious departure from this world.

This is not an isolated story. Half of the expatriates, who live in this part of the world, live their lives this way. They all tighten their belts to make money for the future and finally get old and sick and die, never enjoying the fruits of their labor. Their children live lavishly and lead care free lives and finish off the bounty in no time.

I know many who are rich by the standards here. They buy the cheapest of clothes, the cheapest of whiskies, the cheapest of perfumes and the cheapest of everything they can see. I seriously doubt if they do it as a matter of principle.

We all have this tendency to keep the best for the future. Like keeping the best dress for an occasion, the good food for tomorrow, to finish the stale food in the fridge, but end up eating the back log of stale food every day.

The other day a friend of mine asked me to go to the beach with him. Early in the morning, the weather was cold, the air was fresh and fragrant, the sea was calm and a gentle breeze blew all the time that brought with it the spirit of energy. The sun was simmering at the red horizon far away. We enjoyed a walk along the shore and then bathed in the sea and enjoyed swimming. It was a wonderful day. I was thinking….I have been living in the same place for ten years, I just had to cross the road to reach this sea, but never bothered to go to the sea and enjoy this wonderful pleasures of nature, that came free!

The best things in life are probably free for all of us. People spend thousands of dollars to travel to exotic locations and spend some time at the sea side, and here I am, living by the sea side and never bothering to enjoy that luxury, which was always free for me.

Now a day people kill themselves to eke out a living or improve their living conditions, but they forget to live. In fact, many people don’t live, but they exist and survive each day, for they are too busy, too tired, too stressed and too worried to really enjoy the pleasures of life. There is no going back in time. Thus, hours become days and days become months and years and all those years become a wasted precious life, and what for? To make a better living for tomorrow! A tomorrow that never was.

It is always said that to be successful in life, you have to work hard and never stop, because if you stop, another person will come and take your place. Besides, as the present world demands a lot of effort to survive and keep a decent living, pleasures are the first thing to be put off when wanting to achieve any goal. However, if you postpone your enjoyment until the time money and proper conditions arrive, that time may never come or come too late and you are unable to take care of yourself, leave alone enjoyment.

The strains of modern life force people to live in such a hurry that they don’t have time to enjoy the beautiful world we live in. People forget to take delight of the bonny things nature provides us. It costs no money and takes almost no time.

"This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle; wonderful, magical and more, to whosoever will think of it." - Thomas Carlyle.

We always want more than what we actually need. People accumulate things for others to enjoy them, for they value their lives by the things they possess, which is a quite sad way of appreciating life.

If at the end of the day we review the day’s tasks and ask ourselves how much we enjoyed the day, we’d probably conclude that we missed another chance of feeling alive. Responsibilities are absolutely necessary as well as a work, career and material things, but life goes beyond that. How many people at the end regret for not taking the opportunities they had to live, to have some adventures and experiences? There is nothing better than to look back your past and be able to say; “I lived and lived very well. I enjoyed life, this world and everything it had given me, I made mistakes, but I learned from them.”


Our time is not eternal. Each second, minute, hour, and day we waste is gone, and gone forever. To overwork for something you won’t enjoy is as silly as having the opportunity to live but to prefer to exist in order to talk about the ones who really live.