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The wounds do not really heal

>> Friday, February 5, 2010




Have you ever seen a flower down
Sometimes angels skip around
And in their blissful state of glee
Bump into a daisy or sweet pea.

Jessi Lane Adams



My mother in law is about 75 years old. Her only son died when he was just five .

I haven’t seen a day passing in her life ,when she doesn’t bring his memories, to anything and everything we do. About 10 years back, she moved his remains from the old cemetery to a new tomb she built for him where his Papa is laid to rest, bringing them together finally. When her time comes, she wishes to stay with them as well. After fifty years, she still grieves.

“Time heals all wounds”

Isn’t it just a nice thing you tell people who are going through tough times?


Do you find that after time the pain does subside, but yet never go away? It is truly amazing how embedded our pain can become. It’s as if it becomes our identifying badge and we wear it everywhere.

You don't forget what you went through, how could you possibly?

When one experiences heartbreak, we are often told by well-meaning family and friends, that time heals all wounds. And, that with enough time, we will be able to pick ourselves up and move forward. How can it be then, that after many years have passed, we may still find ourselves wondering why we feel empty, uninspired or depressed, and unable to move forward?.

Listening to this just makes the question how long is this time they are talking about that will heal the wound of the bereaved prop into one’s mind. Are we talking about two weeks, three months or even a decade for the wound to eventually heal? On second thoughts, is it actually possible and enough for grief to simply go away over a period of time without memories of the event creeping into our lives at one point in time or another?

Grief or loss is an individual thing and we all deal with it differently. Time passes after such incidences but somehow does not heal all the wounds, though its passage makes us stronger and with better understanding to face life. We might feel better with time and the wounds might appear gradually healing, but there will definitely be a scar in our lives. The intensity of grief we attach to the incidence depends on how bad the wound is and its place in our lives.


So I think it is a harsh lie. Time doesn’t heal anything, time simply passes.

The wounds do not really heal.

It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps, heals or keeps us stuck in one position in life even after years .

When we suffer an injury, we know that as humans, we will repair to a certain extent over a period of time. A bone that is broken will set, and a cut will heal over and scar. Yet time alone does not do everything. Isn't it true that a bone needs to be reset properly? Isn't it true that a cut needs to be disinfected? The wounds will stay, until you decide to do something about them.


I've tried really hard to let what I went through not hinder my life, but I'm afraid that I've failed that in some ways. When a big part of your life and who you are goes missing, it's hard not to let it affect you. I think it's important to remember and keep good memories and feelings. But it is also essential to move on.


I thought the colors would come back,
The days would return,
To something I can understand,
But they don’t.


When my daughter in law left us for ever , many of my friends called me. They were all kindhearted. I remember the one who said” Think of it as if God has blessed you with another child, like He did to Abraham at his old age. It’s your responsibility to take care of the child, now.” I thought it was sensible, and enough reason to get up and start walking  and teach our child to take his tiny steps forwards.


What many forget, or fail to fathom after the gathering is gone ,is that the grieving are left with a puzzle of their lives scattered across the ground in a million bits with no idea how, or where, to find the corner pieces to start rebuilding. The lucky ones have a strong family and friend support ,and survive the ordeal.

Memories fade and warp, but they never die. Make a place for them in your life and then put them in their places . It's important to remember that it did happen and it did affect you. At the same time, its place is in the past, much like a chapter in a book you have read and choose not to read again. And never pretend your life is ok when you know- it isn’t.

They say time heals all wounds
Which is true for a broken bone
But can time heal a broken heart
A heart that’s all alone?

Time doesn't heal anything, time simply passes.
It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us,
heals us, or keeps us stuck.

3 comments:

dashboy12 February 6, 2010 at 3:29 AM  

I know it's not easy and you really may not want to deal with death. Just remember, you have no choice but to deal with this loss. Talking to family in your case friends will comfort , strengthen and help you.

Now you have to release all thoughts and beliefs that you cannot love someone anymore the same u loved her.

I guess i am saying another lie.

pinky1234 February 10, 2010 at 11:12 PM  

well.....what u said is absolutely true...time will never heal anything ...time just passes ! Especially when u love someone sooo much...I feel everyone who loved her is going thru the same trauma. ...days just pass by....and u just live in it ......just for the sake of it! Memories linger ...good ones...but brings tears !!!

Dr.Antony February 19, 2010 at 12:01 AM  

@pinky
The other day I was searching the wardrobe for a shirt,and pulled out a sweater she had left behind.She had said " Acha,keep it here for the next time I come".It is hard.There are a thousand things which reminds me.I dont know.I just know there is always an empty space,in everything and everywhere.

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